Dr Bjorn von der Heyden’s last triathlon ended with a 21km walk when he failed to do any bricks training sessions before IRONMAN 70.3 SA a couple of years back, so the Fedhealth XTERRA Grabouw could only go better…
Friday 8 Jan 2016:
Seamus: “What’s up Bjornie, how are your triathlon skills?”
Bjorn: “Hundreds bud, I grew up running around on the beach; so the swim and the run will come naturally.”
Seamus: “Cool, and the cycle?”
Bjorn: “Ppphht, that’s just like riding a bike – isn’t it?”
Seamus: “Sweet, you keen to join me for XTERRA in Feb?”
Bjorn: “Done!”
Saturday 5 February 2016:
Seamus: “Listen bud, I have to drop you on the XTERRA. Got another race on, so will you write an article on your experience of the event?”
Bjorn: “Jeepers bru, good friend. I haven’t even started training yet!”
Seamus: “Eish!”
Saturday 20 February 2016:
“Eish indeed,” Seamus’s final word resonated ominously in my head as I lingered on the edge of the Eikenhof Dam pondering the acumen of my decision to take on this challenge. A 1.5km swim, followed by a challenging 28km cycle and rounded off with a mountainous 12.5km run is no trivial feat, especially after only two weeks of training. I looked around me, hoping that I would find others displaying the tell-tale signs of the apprehension that I was feeling. I shuddered, everyone else just looked relaxed and excited about the prospect of a day of exercise in the bountiful and natural beauty of the Hottentots Holland Mountains. This was a congregation of real athletes, attracting the likes of Ryk Neethling, Corne Krige and a host of other dudes sporting bodies that Brad Pitt could only have dreamt of owning. I instantly regretted bringing my girlfriend along; it was unlikely that I would survive the event, and if I did, there would be an even slimmer likelihood that I would be able to retain the sole adoration of my girlfriend.
The count-down to the swim merged into a blur of anticipation and camaraderie; and before I knew it, my race had begun. The pro athletes were given a minute’s head start, and judging by the speed at which they set off, I don’t think that even Ryk entertained the possibility of catching them. Our start was a similar affair of thrashing arms and legs characterised by an intensity that was reminiscent of a scene that I’d watched in the Jaws movie. We hit the first buoy after about 600m (give or take a few hundred meters for zig-zagged swimming), by which stage the field had thinned enough to almost start enjoying the warm temperature of the dam water. “Almost start enjoying…” Did I really just write that? Who are we kidding – my arms and shoulders were screaming at me! One hundred meters further, we turned at the second buoy to begin our seemingly unending return swim towards the daunting prospect of the bike leg. Eventually I exited the water to the resounding cheers and encouragements of the spectators. The spectator presence was a definite highlight for me, and their level of commitment and contentedness was ensured by the smooth organisation and the sheer number of amenities available at the event (e.g., Spur burgers, bar facilities and an endless stock of aforementioned ridiculously good-looking people).
The bike leg was a melee of an experience; coupling demon up-hills with majestic views, flat jeep track sections with reverie, winding singletrack with fairy tale forests and limited overtaking opportunities and a downhill rock garden with a sphincter-clenching disregard for survival instinct. This was probably the most awesome cycle route on which I have ever graced my 29 inch wheels. Views were spectacular, the fynbos biome never failed to disappoint and the water points were ideally placed to ensure your comfort, hydration and continued existence. My only caveat would be the two leg-devouring climbs we had to contend with early on in the route. The sadistic miser that placed them there will undoubtedly pay dearly in his following life. Or at least I hope so…
I came off the cycle route sporting two forearms each shaken like a 007 martini. The return route on the bike was predominantly down-hill singletrack, for much of which athlete 439 spent desperately clasping his brake leavers. Luckily, forearms are not a prerequisite for the final trying leg of the race: a 12.5km trail. The run course started out with a gentle and constant climb, allowing your legs the time to transition from the rotary movement of cycling to the wog-like movement of, well, wogging (walk + jogging). The subsequent downhill offered a brief reprieve from the developing cramps, but ended suddenly with an unexpected river crossing through the cool tannic waters of a fynbos river. From here on out it was a dire uphill, the creator of which made the cycle leg sadist seem tame and endearing. The camaraderie on this section of the route was outstanding and about the only thing that got me through the climb. Next time I suggest the organisers include Sherpas with our race packs…
The rest of the run was exponentially more enjoyable, with contouring downhills and more breath-taking views of the Grabouw valley. We were exceedingly lucky that the previous evening had rained as the final two km’s were on river sand along the banks of the Eikenhof Dam. Dry sand would have been both soul- and calf muscle-destroying, and by this stage of the race, I was running out of body parts to shed. Eventually, the mirage that was the finish line approached, and I was grateful to note that in amongst the cheering fan base, I had managed to retain my girlfriend. Her eyes are clearly a lot worse than I had previously thought!
Friday 6 Jan 2017 (theoretically):
Seamus: “What’s up Bjornie, your article was horrendous, but I have no friends and I’m looking for someone to join me in XTERRA. You keen?”
Bjorn: “In a heartbeat, bud!”
Bike Wash Body Wash
Bjorn despite being one of the most intelligent people you’re ever likely to meet is prone to moments of complete stupidity. Like mistaking the Squirt Lube Bike Wash in the XTERRA race pack for body wash and using it during his post-race shower. Sadly for his bosses at Stellenbosch University, Squirt’s product is biodegradable and remarkably mild, so it didn’t cause his dreadlocks to fall out.
Bio:
Dr Bjorn von der Heyden is a lecturer in the Geology Department at Stellenbosch University. He’s been published in the prestigious journal Science but remains a hippie at heart. After forcing Seamus Allardice to paddle out in surf conditions way outside of his comfort zone Seamus is now getting his own back by leading Bjorn down technical mountain bike routes without any warning.
